Ending Your Marriage: Coming to Terms with Being Hurt by an Affair

Infidelity is a leading cause of divorce. Whether the unfaithful spouse moves on to be with the new love interest or not, often, the offended partner often just cannot move past the betrayal.

This is not a small problem. In fact, infidelity is common in the US,  And, while it has traditionally been the domain of cheating husbands, women are gaining on men in the affair world.

So how do you get past the hurt that infidelity brings with it?

Take Time

The common wisdom is that it takes 18 months to two years to get over an affair. Until then (and even after) it’s normal to feel a mix of anger, shame, sadness and frustration. These are serious feelings that require real time and thought to process. Don’t be afraid to take the time you need.

Focus Elsewhere

Shifting your mental focus to something other than the past can be extremely powerful. Paying attention to the simplicity of the moment—the breeze, breaking waves—can stop the cycle of rehashing the past. So can thinking about the future, planning a trip or vacation, for example.

Set Some Limits

It’s natural and, you may feel, appropriate to want to dwell in the pain of infidelity for a while. And that may be a necessary step in your own recovery. But try to set some boundaries around this thinking. Give yourself a time limit, or decide you can spend an entire day dwelling in it, but then prohibit that thinking the next day. These mental breaks can work wonders with your energy and attitude.

Being Okay Doesn’t Mean it’s Okay

Differentiate forgiveness and acceptance. I’ve written about this before, but it bears repeating. Getting right with yourself, returning to functionality and even joy is worth it. And that doesn’t mean that you’re giving your ex permission or even forgiving. It just means that you’re accepting the reality, setting it aside and making space for joy to enter your life.

Remember that you’re not alone in this process. Call my team to schedule a confidential consultation.

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